You'll Be Whole

(sunset over Georgia, from my window)

To the one in the corner I've got something to say.

You have never been alone. No, not even a day.

And I know that you feel all hope is gone away.

Lost and forgotten, innocence taken away.

But it won't always be this way.

Soon you'll awaken to a new day.

You'll be whole at last.

You'll be whole at last.

Say goodbye to brokenness

And emptiness and helplessness

And everything that stands against

Your destiny for beauty and grace.

To the one in the valley who can't feel Me now.

To the one in the valley can you hear Me now?

Because it won't always feel this way.

Soon you'll awaken to a new day.

You'll be whole at last.

You'll be whole at last.

Say goodbye to brokenness

And emptiness and helplessness

And everything that stands against

Your destiny for beauty and grace.

Morning comes and songbirds start to sing.

Can you hear the lovely melody?

Hold on...

(by Lindsey Kane)

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I came home from Russia with such an ache in my heart as I have never felt before. It felt like my heart had just beel slipped out and there was just an empty void left. I couldn't understand it.

It was such an amazing trip! I poured everything while over there, all my strength and heart and love. And early each morning I would just cry, "Lord, fill me again."

All I saw was hopelessness. Some had never heard the truth before. So many knew only of candles and prayers and standing for hours in a big cold church. Old men who have lived their whole life drowned in alchohol and drugs, when asked where they believe they are going when they die, pointed their finger down the the dirt and said, "There. Hell."

Then there was the old woman in a little village full of wooden houses. It was raining, and we walked through the mud to her house and knocked on the door. "We have a gift for you!", we said, and handed her a Bible, then began to share the Gospel. She had never heard of God before. Never heard of His Son who died for her. She loved to read, but had never seen a Bible in her life. "All my life I have been told that there is no God. But I think there is something there. I just don't know." she said. What a priviledge to be able to tell this woman that THERE IS A GOD. To tell her of the price He paid, the blood He shed, His heart that was torn. To tell her that there is hope. She was so amazed. When we left she said, "Now I know that there is a God!"

Then there was the boy who remembered my name. It has been two years since I saw him that day in his village, but immediately when he saw me he said, "Privyet, Capa." I was so amazed! Suddenly it felt almost like no time had passed since I had been to his village; in fact, it almost seemed as if only a day had passed. He was just the same little boy, and I the same girl. Yet I know that I am in a lot of ways a very different girl than I was two years ago-and perhaps he too has changed? What has happened in his life these past two years? Perhaps he has been drinking. The majority of kids start drinking and ten, twelve years of age. This boy lookes like he is maybe ten or eleven, yet he is really fifteen. You can see boy at the top of this page, in the picture on the left- he is standing right in front of me. That time he told us he was thirteen years old.

At the first concert we did in Murom, I spoke to a group of youth afterwards who were all around 15 years old. They asked us if we drank and smoked- apparently they do a lot of that! Many accepted the Lord at that same concert, and they need so much prayer!

Then there was a girl named Sveta. She was twenty one and searching for truth. "Why doesn't God just come down to earth and show us that He is real!!??", she said. "He already HAS!" said Kolya. "He has already come and paid it all." She had so many questions.

One evening we went to a rehab center. It was just Kolya and I, Sasha, and another young guy from the church named Meesha. There were seven men whom we met in this rehab center, so it was me and ten guys. That was a little odd, but I was fine, and it turned out to be such a good time of fellowship. It was funny when one of the guys pointed at me and asked Kolya (my pastor), "Why did you choose Capa to come with you to Russia?" (The rest of our group was at another rehab center at the same time.) We kinda laughed and Kolya explained that he didn't "pick me" to come to Russia, but that anyone from our church could come with him. They asked him lots of questions, then he led all of us in a Bible study, and then more questions. It got around the some questions like, "What is it like to grow up in the church, not having to come out of all these things [drugs, alchohol, addictions, ect.]? When and how does your faith become real when you grow up in the church?" Kolya looked at me. So for a while it was my turn to share. They asked a lot of questions, even about homeschooling and beyond. "So are you going to come and live in Russia?", asked on of the older men. "If the Lord wanted me to I would," I said. "If you meet some nice, young Russian guy?", he said, and grinned while I turned red and shook my head no. These men at the Rehab are reading the Bible and growing in the Lord, and He is their Deliverer. He will us them in mighty ways! We had a very good time of fellowship, and before we knew it a few hours had passed and it was late.

So many more things happened while we were there. As I flew home on the airplane, my face was glued to the little window as I stared out at the mountains of clouds, the amazing sunset, the land stretched out so far below; everthing was so beautiful! Greenland stretched out beneath us with mile after mile of snowy peaks. It took my breath away! And just as the sun was going down, everything turned golden and silver and shining with bits of rainbows. I could just imagine myself running across those beautiful clouds, singing my heart out. Sometimes I feel so happy I get crazy! People say they feel small when flying through the air, but suddenly I felt big, big enough to walk on the wind and ride the clouds. Our God does such things, and holding His hand I felt like I could go with Him and do the same.

Why then did I feel so empty when I got home? Why did my heart ache so? I had thought that maybe this trip to Russia would give me a glimpse of what God wants me to do next in my life. Perhaps He would even call me there. I love Russia and I would go there if He wanted me to, but as of now I don't feel that's what He has in mind. It renewed my mind even more though, and established me in deeper faith, and I know that this he used this trip even to prepare me for the future. You see, there was something that broke my heart on this trip. It was the instant that broken, hopeless woman looked at me and asked, "Will you be here tomorrow?" I was not going to be here tomorrow, and that's what broke my heart! It was all so new to her, she had never heard such things, and she needed more than just a half hour of hearing the truth and having her wounded arm cleaned and bandaged. She needs hands to lift her up out of her broken life, to wash her feet, to hold her, to love her, to show her! She needs feet that will go to her, walk with her, and lead her to the King!

No, I was not going to be there tomorrow.

God, next time you send me somwhere, let it be to stay!

More than ever is the pattern so beautifully clear to me, the pattern I'm beginning to understand, beginning to love:

Go, and I will be with you.

And if it's not to Russia, then it's somewhere else. I don't know when or where, but I'm excited.

And as for right now, today it is a new day. When I got home so empty and hurting I heard that song You'll Be Whole. It was exactly what I needed. Some would claim that the "new day" is only when we get to heaven. It is not! I have reason to believe it is now, every day is new with Christ! The prayer of His children, His set-apart ones, is not for heaven someday, but "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven! The Kingdom of God is not mansions, riches, or streets of gold, the Kingdom of God is near to you, in your heart!!!

Though I am emptied and aching, every morning is a new day. And I am WHOLE. I can't explain it, or even fully understand it: I am empty, yet I am full to the brim. I am broken in pieces, yet He has made me whole. I am still always thirsty, yet I have been satisfied.

So why I should flinch now? He is only answering my prayers!

"Why should we not go through heartbreaks? Through these doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshhold of God's purpose and die away in self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says---'Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.' If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."

-My Utmost For His Highest, November 1st.

I have given my heart away to the King of Heaven, to do with it what He wills, even to break it. And why should I give it to another? None other is worthy. To whom have you given your heart?